+ -= s.o.p.h.i.s.t.i.c.a.t.i.o.n =- +

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All I want is to be who I want to be
To breathe the air that gasp mi free
To live the dreams my mind conceived
To see the world in love and peace

Let us not take love for granted
For many awaits the touch for hopes and inspirations
Dream. Dare . Do
Let the sun burns through the horizon and the stars to sparkle
Face each day with a smle for others
Never let yesterday's disappointment overshadow tomorrow's dreams....

*-=__It is not about loving a perfect person...
...but to love an imperfect person perfectly __=-*

***__________. dreams of the sparkled stars____::***

::_memories unforgottened_::
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
November 2004
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
October 2005
February 2006
March 2006
November 2006
December 2006
December 2007
May 2008

Saturday, May 31, 2008

I hate the night as much as i hate the day.

This is so random. I don't know how long I can hold, but im just so tired physically and mentally. I feel totaly devastated and exhausted. I dont like the feeling of tearing now and then out of now where and when even I myself dont even know why.

I tried to keep myself so busy, do housework, go tuition. Today I tried to go and change my laptop LCD myself. Took a cab there as I totally had no idea where the place was. Reached the building, I didnt knwo which level. In the end, I ended up randomly trying every level, and while in the lift I out of nowhere started tearing again, thinking about the last time I came I was still with you. But now, I am like an idiot playing with the lift. An uncle saw me crying and offered me a cig. Weird. For once, I was so tempted to take it, if not because it was from a stranger. By the time i end there, the person said it was too late to change that day as they needed an hour, so I emptily left the place again. I walked and walked and randomly took a bus to any mrt station. Took the train home but dont know why I cant control my tears even on the train. I feel like a total idiot. Walk out of the mrt, met a friend who asked why i didnt wait since you end work early, i didnt know how to answer. Had to hide my tears behind my smile and said i didnt know.
How long more can hide hide my tears with smile? Im tired. very tired.

I believed this is the fifth consecutive day I've been boozing. I just like the numbness after that. At least it stops my tears and my thoughts. Had a bad zouk that day. Sorry guys, I spoilt all your night, I haven even been to the dancefloor and im so drank. It is the first time in my life I drank until i puked. It feels bad. Mayb cos I have always had weak stomach to support such tedious action. Its so chou to break down at zouk. Thanks guys and shyuan for so being there for me. Thanks shyuan for always so being there for me no matter what happens. Thansk vince for the drinks and for lending me a shoulder to cry on. Thanks yew hong the encouragement and being there for me and sending me home. U r right. May be time will heal, I just dont know long or whether I can hold that long. Thanks to the many concerns from everybody else. Thanks but sorry I might disappoint you guys for not being the Christine in the past and not being able to pick myself up so quickly.

Have been waking up with gastric pain every morning. I know its bad and its probaly due to my excessive drinking. But I cant help it. I cant think of other ways to make me feel better. Maybe by making myself feel unwell, then I can find a reason to stay longer in bed to cry before I wake up. Not much place to cry at home cos I dont have much of a personal space or time,I can only pretend to sleep while let the tears roll down quietly. Last night, I had a weird dream. I dreamt that somebody gave me pink pill. He/She tell me its 'painkiller' for the heart. he/she syas its addictive and ask me to take only half a tablet. I took, and it really made me felt great. It made me felt as if im was floating and worry-free nad pain-free. Come to think of it, I think its some kind of drug. Is there really such thing for me?

I dont know what I want now. Read your email wanted to reply but I guess its just goint to end up more conflicts. I dont knwo if you think what you have done is enough for loving me or am I just too demanding and expecting too much. I dont knwo what to expect or what I actualyl want.

I want to break up reason being I seriously dont know If im just one of your favourite toy on the shelf, you love me but when you feel like it. I dont want to add to your burden. Just take it that im too demanding for you. I rather blame myself for all the fault. I dont know if this relationship were to continue, will you treat me like you had and hurt me again next time.

I dont want to break up because I want to believe that you didnt intend to and just dont konw how to be a bf. I dont want to because I cant bear to and its hurting me so badly. I dont want to because I still love you too.

Well, I guess you are already tired of being with me tired of all my demands and all my nonsense, mayb you will never understand me. Maybe you will never let me understand you. Maybe you will never understand my feelings now. Maybe its just so difficult. Mayb there's no mroe future. Mayb I wont even be around anymore tomorrow.Mayb i just dont know, shall let you decide what the fate shall be. Mayb I will never hear from you again. Mayb there will never be any answers to it all.

I happened to found your blog and linked to your friends. Seemd like one of your best friends is facing relationship problems too? Maybe you are more busy with comforting your friend, mayb you had better alternatives after all then to bother with me.

Mayb i really need time to settle all this. My life is too messed up now. Im tired too tired. I cant even settle my SIM acceptance. I feel like droping it and leave this place instead, to some far away land that nobody can ever find me.

People tell me to stand up again when I fall. But I think I had fallen from such great heights I had hurt my nerves, I cant feel anymore. Maybe I can never stand up anymore.
::__. eXquisTic . SoPhiStIcaTion____::
Saturday, May 31, 2008